Abstract
Ahrons (2007) states that “the parental subsystem continues to impact the binuclear family 20 years after marital disruption by exerting a strong influence on the quality of relationships within the family system”(p, 53). During the 20 years after divorce, children often experience one or both parents remarrying, new family members such as stepfathers, stepmothers, possible half siblings, stepsiblings and of course begin their own intimate relationships. With nuclear families on a continuous decline, and more single and binuclear families on the rise, what influence does the divorce have on the future relationships of the children?
Impact of Divorce on Children and Their Relationships
With the ever-increasing rate of divorce at one in every two marriages, one has to wonder what impact that the divorce has on a child’s relationships, from early age on into emerging adulthood.
According to Ahrons (2007) “20 year longitudinal Binuclear Family Study”(p. 53), the impact of divorce on child’s relationship conclusively finds that the father and the child and or children (for the purpose of this paper the use of child will represent one child or many children) suffer the most, especially if the child does not cohabitate with the father. However, the relationship with the mother and child became better than it was when the marriage was still intact. Bulduc, Caron, and Logue (2007), also conclude that the father’s relationship with the child is the one that suffers the most. They also reported that daughters display more empathy to their mothers after a divorce.
According to the research findings of Ahrons (2007), several factors determine the outcome on the relationship with the non-custodial parent, which includes the amount of time spent with the child, whether or not there is conflict between the parents of the child and whether the child is aligned with one or the other parent.
Where there was a deteriorated relationship with the father whether it be because of a decline in visitation, alienation of the child to the non-custodial parent, or whatever the cause of deterioration, there were also a deterioration the relationship with the paternal grandparents, stepmother, stepsiblings. Stepfather relationships reported to be better than relationships with stepmothers. Primarily because the stepfather lived in the home with the child therefore, they had more time to form a cohesive bond.
In the event of a divorce involving high conflict between the mother and the father, the non-custodial parent-child relationship deteriorated over time to almost or non-existence.
One reason is that the child felt that they had to choose between the two parents. Their loyalty remained with the one with whom they cohabitated with.
Another factor involving high conflict between the mother and the father, the emotional climate surrounding the transitions between parental households also had an effect on the child. If both parents provide positive behavior toward one another during and after the child’s transition from one home to the other the less stress the child feels. Therefore, the child can feel comfortable transitioning from one parent's home to the other. If the transition from one parent’s home to the other involves negative behavior between the parents and or parent, then the child is more likely to feel stress and over time can align with one parent more than the other. The relationship with the child and the father worsened “due to mother’s anger with father over her view of his right to parent and the dissatisfaction with child support” (p.59).
Concerning this type of behavior from the angered parent, it can lead to what is termed PAS (Parental Alienation Syndrome). In a study conducted by Johnston, Walters, and Olesen (2005), Alienating behavior by an emotionally needy aligned parent offers the child warm involvement while the parent that is rejected pulls away. The child loses his or her own sense of self, logical judgment, hence, becoming enmeshed with the aligned parent and creates a pathological alliance with the one parent against the other. When this happens the child refuses to go to visitation with the rejected parent making excuses that the other parent is boring or that they make them brush their teeth or any other excuse that is non plausible. In severe cases, the child can even make up excuses that the other parent is abusive. The alienating parent reinforces this behavior by siding with the child. If the parents go to court, the courts will look for evidence confirming the allegations. Without intervention, the damage from PAS is irreversible and the rejected parent-child relationship becomes nonexistent.
In the study of Peris and Emery (2005) used the term “boundary dissolution to refer to a reversal in traditional parent-child roles whereby children come to provide care for or support to their parents” (p175-176). When boundary dissolution happens the child who provides care for the needy parent forms inappropriate attachments that affect their relationships later on.
The Social Learning Theory and The Social Cognitive Theory provide comprehensive accounts of intergenerational transmission of divorce (Segrin, Taylor, and Altman, 2005). The effects of parental modeled behavior become evident when the child has grown and forms their own ideas and attitudes toward marriage and relationships through observation of the parental model.
Another view that a child could develop, if a marriage is not working out then one has the right to divorce. Therefore, the marriage is not permanent and divorce is probable.
In addition, a child from a high conflict divorce has a less probable chance of acquiring good communication skills and therefore, when the child is grown he or she does not have the skill to communicate effectively in their own relationships. This becomes a problem when conflict arises in his or her own relationship and they do not have the appropriate skills to resolve conflict. They are more at risk to succumb to divorce.
Christensen and Brooks (2001) state that, “Adolescents and adults who had lived for years with the aftermath of divorce often interpreted disagreements as an intense experience that may lead to divorce” (p,290). They observed that children from high conflict families do not possess good conflict management skills, appropriate behavior, and often behave in the same way they observed growing up, thus creating their own at-risk relationships. Often children who come from a high conflict divorce have trust and intimacy issues as they become older due to a fear of rejection.
Adult children of high conflict of divorce are more apt to cohabitate than to marry and are more likely to have many sexual partners. According to Christensen and Brooks (2001) likely causes of multiple sexual partners comes from filling emotional needs. The shorter the distance between the divorces of the adult child's parents to the time of the child developing a relationship the needier they are emotionally.
Parents who have good relationships post divorce have a child who has better relationships with their parents, paternal and maternal grandparents, stepparents, and siblings. “What children wanted most was not for their parents to be friends as much as they wanted them to be cordial and not badmouth each other” (Ahrons, p59). Even after children of divorce had grown and had families of their own, they still wanted their parents to get along especially for the important milestones of their own children’s lives, such as birthdays, graduation, and weddings.
In addition, parents who had good relationships post divorce also reported more involvement with the father, thus the child developed a better relationship, or the relationship prior to the divorce remained the same.
Adult children whose parents maintained good relationships post-divorce also had better communication skills and were better able to deal with trust issue’s and intimacy issues. This relates back to the Social Cognitive Theory in that what the child had been modeled in this case, good communication, and appropriate behavior between the divorced parents the child had through observation learned the necessary skills to be able to handle conflict in his or her own relationship. Therefore building a sense of trust and deeper intimacy between the child of divorce and the person in whom they had built a relationship.
Conclusion
Findings in this research of the impact of divorce on children and their relationships conclude that children whose parents have high conflict are at most risk for a deterioration of relationship with the non-custodial father. They are less apt to have relationships with the paternal grandparents, stepmother, half siblings, and stepsiblings. They are also at great risk of establishing trusting and intimate relationships, as they grow older and tend to have many sexual relationships to satisfy emotional needs. They tend to view marriage as something off limits and if they do get married, they view divorce as an alternative if they see that the marriage is not going to work out. Most children of divorce are likely to divorce themselves. In addition, in extreme cases of high conflict between parents, the children of divorce have higher risk of exposure to PAS, boundary dissolution, and poor social cognition.
Otherwise, children of divorce whose parents maintain a cordial relationship have better relationship with the non-custodial parent, grandparents, stepmother, and siblings. The outcome for their own intimate relationship is better and the parental relationship after they have their own family is healthier.
The writer of this paper would like to conclude with the thought of intergenerational divorce. The bible states Num 14:18 The Lord is longsuffering, and of great mercy, forgiving iniquity and transgression, and by no means clearing the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation (King James Version). Divorce affects a child’s relationships through four generations (Ahrons 2007).
References
Peris, Tara S. and Emery, Robert E. (2005) Redefining the parent-child relationship following divorce, Journal of Emotional Abuse,5,4,169-189, doi:10.1300/J135v05n04_01
Ahrons, Constance R. PHD. (2007) Family ties after divorce: Long-term implications for children, Family Process, 46, 1, 53-65, doi:1111/J.545-5300.2006.00191.x
Johnston, Janet R., Walters, Marjorie G. and Olesen, Nancy W. (2005) Is it alienating parenting, role reversal or child abuse? A study of children’s rejection of a parent in child custody disputes. Journal of Emotional Abuse, 5, 4, 191-218 doi: 10.1300/J135v05n04_02
Segrin, Chris, Taylor, Melissa E., and Alman Julie, (2005) Social cognitive mediators and relational outcomes associated with parental divorce. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 22, 361-377, doi: 10.1177/0265407505052441
Christensen, Teresa M. and Brooks, Morgan C. (2001) Adult children of divorce and intimate relationships: A review of the literature. The Family Journal, 9, 289-294, doi: 10.1177/1066480701093008
(1986) The Holy Bible, King James Version, USA, Worldwide Publishers, Inc.
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